I am writing this on the pretext that all parents desire their children to grow up to be successful people, or at least be well equipped to handle whatever challenges life throws at them. I mean, who doesn’t want their child to do well? Successful people are not necessary the smartest of people, nor are they always the best at what they do, but they do have something in common. They are usually charismatic and likeable people. You want to hang around and be associated with these people. You want to see them succeed.
We so often see bright people who get nowhere in life, early prodigies who fail to fulfil their potentials and highly astute people making a mess out of their lives. Not because they are unlucky, but because of a loathsome personality. We hate to see them succeed, but we certainly do glee at the sight of their failure. They are so often the target of verbal abuse.
Now you may ask, what has this got to do with the title of this blog?
Personalities are formed at the early stage of a person’s life, partly through nature and largely through nurture. Hence, parents and educators play a vital role in moulding a child’s personality, shaping his or her character and departing the right values. Children are like wet cement, whatever falls on them makes an impression.
Success at an early age can be detrimental to the child. Yes you hear me right, success is dangerous. Have you ever seen parents who are so self-absorbed in their children’s achievements that they develop an elitist mentality, snobbish attitude and a sense of self-righteousness? They despise people who are less successful and they talk down onto other people. Children see and children learn.
Showering your child with excessive love is just as bad. Have you seen parents who are so over protective of their child that they fume when their child gets hurt the slightest bit and they rage when someone else disciplines their kid? These parents cannot stand to see their children cry and they would apologise when their kids throw tantrum, sometimes they even demand others to do so to appease their kids. These kids grow up emotionally fragile and with a self-righteous attitude. They have never been punished and they were never wrong,
Now you’re probably thinking, “These parents are horrible, I’m not like that”, but is that so?
Have you ever done these 3 things when your child gets into trouble with the teacher?
1) Find excuses for your child.
The teacher informs you that your child is lazy and has not been paying attention in class, she has not been doing her homework and she has not been practicing her dance. Do you cooperate with the teacher to step up on the supervision of your child, or do you start explaining to the teacher why your child is not performing up to expectation?
The teacher is informing you because she finds that it is necessary for your intervention to ensure your child stays on track. She is trying to seek your cooperation in supervising and talking to your child. She is not interested to find out why the work has not been done.
You may have done it to help salvage some pride for your child or to do some damage control to help your child stay in the teacher’s good books, but you don’t realise that when you start finding excuses for your child, you are shortchanging her learning because you are telling her it is okay to be lazy. She will not become more conscientious when you condone her laziness. When you find excuses for your child, you are trying to make your child feel better after she has been reprimanded, you are not allowing your child to take full responsibility and face the music for her own actions. She will not become a better person if you deprive her of these learning opportunities.
2) Challenge the teacher.
The teacher punished your child. You felt embarrassed, dismal or enraged that your child has been bruised emotionally. You are heartbroken when your child comes sobbing to you about what happened in school. You think to yourself, you don’t even punish your own child, how dare the teacher?
You may or may not feel this way. If you do, it may be because those feelings are instinctive, you can’t help feeling that way even if you tried not to, you just cannot control your emotions. Do you let your emotions get in the way and stomp your way to the teacher or do you take the opportunity to ensure that your child learns from a mistake that she has made?
Do you think telling the teacher off is going to aid your child emotionally? By forbidding the teacher to discipline your child, you are not allowing your child a chance to learn how to deal with her emotions. She will grow up lacking mental resilience, collapse at the slightest hurdle and crumble under stress or failure. That is not going to help her get into the good books of anybody. Having soured the relationship with the teacher, you are also burdening your child unnecessarily by making her a marked person by the teacher and her peers. Screaming at the teacher doesn’t make you cool or right, it only makes a fool out of yourself. You may think you have won, but your child ends up the biggest loser. You are lucky if the teacher is still interested to teach your child.
3) Criticise the teacher in front of your child.
There may be times when you disagree with the teacher. You may have your own take on what is considered an appropriate punishment while the teacher has her own interpretation. Anything above your limit is barbaric and anything below your limit is too benign; Pretty much like a driver’s perspective, those that drive faster than you are lunatics while those that drive slower are idiots.
Resist the temptation to question the teacher’s methods in front of your child, it will give her the impression that the teacher is in the wrong and that she is right. Instead of feeling apologetic for her offence, she will feel triumphant and disregard the teacher’s authority in future confrontations because she knows she has your backing. If you encourage your child to be fearless of authorities, you only have yourself to blame when she gets onto the wrong side of the law. Challenging authority isn’t such a wise thing to do. You may rejoice under the delusion that you have outwitted your opponent. Despite winning the battle, you have lost the war.
If there is something that you feel strongly about, have a talk with the teacher. Make sure to approach her with a clear head. Take some time to cool down if you have to. If you are not sure if you or the teacher is being the unreasonable one, consult third parties for neutral opinions.
Next time when your kid gets into trouble, give her the opportunity to learn from her mistakes. Don’t find excuses for her, don’t challenge the teacher and don’t criticise the teacher in front of your child.
In other words, cooperate.
Ren Jie